The Style Invitational Week 960 Raving reviews for
Amazon.com
By Pat Myers, Friday, February 24, 1:11 AM
“. . . Sip gently, slowly,
or one is in danger of not only missing the subtleties of the milk’s texture
and its terroir. . . . Tuscan is best drunk young — I recommend
pairing with freshly baked macadamia nut scones. Milk Expectorator gives this
one a 92.”
The paean above to a jug of
Tuscan brand whole milk, by Philip Tone, is an excerpt from one of more than
1,300 joke reviews of this particular product on Amazon.com, which lets just
about any store advertise on its Web pages. (See the whole thing at
amzn.to/invmilk.) And there are similarly hilarious “reviews” for many other
everyday products. This week: Send us a creative “review” for any of the items
below that are listed on Amazon. The reviews must not be unfair to the
manufacturer and seller. Do NOT post the reviews directly to Amazon until we
post the results online March 23 — if we see them there before then, we’ll
disqualify them. While the ones on Amazon often run several hundred words,
we’re looking for much shorter reviews; 75 words would be lengthy for us.
Search on Amazon.com with the exact words below to find the product to
“review.”
“World’s best dish cloths”
“Revlon compact emery boards”
“Dual Duty Plus All-Purpose Thread 400
Yards-White”
“Clipper-mate pocket comb 5” all fine
teeth”
“Morton Iodized Salt 26 oz”
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an excellent pair of
owl-vomit boluses, donated by prize-donator extraordinaire Cheryl Davis. Owls
swallow their prey without chewing it up (having no teeth) and so they spit out
big balls of stuff from which you can extract all kinds of mouse and bird
parts. Doing that is exactly like discovering diamonds in the ground.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 5;
results published March 25 (March 23 online). No more than 25 entries per
entrant per week. Include “Week 960” in your e-mail subject line or it may be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by
Brad Alexander; the subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Tom Witte.
Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev .
Report from Week 956, in which we asked for ways to know that you know it’s a bad [any of
five things we supplied; results for the fifth category, marriage, will appear
next week]:
The winner of the Inker
You know it’s going to be a
bad speech when it’s a little too obvious that the speaker is using the
“imagine the audience naked” trick. (Noah Meyerson, Washington)
2. Winner of the genuine
livestock-altering tool: You know it’s going to be a bad hotel when it accepts
frequent-passenger miles from Greyhound. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
3. You know it’s going to be
a bad hotel when there’s a “do not disturb” sign at the front desk. (Matt
Monitto, Elon, N.C.)
4. You know your kid’s going
to have a bad day at school when the bully’s mom texts you to ask if your son
will be there today or should she pack a lunch. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)
Nixed signals: Honorable mentions
YOU KNOW IT’S GOING TO BE A BAD CRUISE
. . .
When the captain is heard
shouting, “But there MUST be a reverse gear!” (Alasdhair Campbell, Austin,
Tex., a First Offender)
If the kitchen’s motto is “So
good you’ll think it’s airline food.” (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.)
When the background music is
a loop of “My Heart Will Go On.” (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
When the captain says “Some
new guests have joined us” and asks whether any passengers speak Somali. (Gary
Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
When the waiter suggests
ordering the Clear Liquids. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
When they keep rearranging
the deck chairs. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
When the “Enchanted Island”
turns out to be Staten. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
When you hear the captain
announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to the starboard side, you’ll see
the Bahamas 40 miles away. If you look to port, you’ll see the lifeboat from
which I’m speaking to you right now.” (Shannara Johnson, Morrisville, Vt., a
First Offender)
When your fellow “Family Cruise”
passengers turn out to be Tom, Katie, Suri, and a couple of hundred
Scientologists. (Courtney Knauth, Washington)
YOU KNOW IT’S GOING TO BE A BAD HOTEL
. . .
When it advertises that the
rooms aren’t just clean, they’re “forensically clean.” (Jeff Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)
When the pillowcases are
imprinted, “This side out Mon-Wed-Fri.” (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
When the bellhop meets you
with a shopping cart. (Shoba Nayar, North Bethesda, Md., a First Offender)
When the emergency evacuation
instructions are pay-per-view. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
When the mattress tag says
“Buy War Bonds.” (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
When the strip across the
toilet seat is police tape. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.; David
Genser)
When the chocolate on your
pillow has bite marks. (John Shea, Philadelphia)
When you learn your
accommodations are in, not on, McPherson Square. (Peter Siegwald, Arlington,
Va.)
When you walk in to check in,
and you hear a drawling voice saying, “Well, looky here. . ...”
(Mike Gips)
When the hooker offers a
discount if you’ll go to her place instead. (Jeff Hazle; Craig Dykstra,
Centreville, Va.)
When you select Adult
Entertainment on the TV, and you see live video of yourself naked on the bed.
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
YOU KNOW YOUR KID’S GOING TO HAVE A BAD DAY AT
SCHOOL. . .
When he says, “Mom, I’m
supposed to bring in some protection money, whatever that is.” (Rob Cohen,
Potomac, Md.)
When the new school’s
lavatories are labeled “Crips” and “Bloods.” (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
When he’s an airplane buff
and tells you that today his field trip will be to see Blue Plains. (Elden
Carnahan, Laurel; Jeff Contompasis)
When school bully mails him a
pair of underpants with a handle sewn to the back. (Jerry Birchmore,
Springfield)
When he forgets to change out
of his Dora the Explorer PJs AND he has an algebra test. (Steve Langer, Chevy
Chase)
When you catch him teaching
the dog how to eat homework. (Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.)
When he splashes on extra
cologne to impress his lab partner — and it’s Bunsen burner day. (Amanda
Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va. )
When he didn’t do the
homework due Dec. 21 because he thought the world would end. Either he’s right
or he gets detention. Either way, it’s a bad day. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.)
YOU KNOW IT’S GOING TO BE A
BAD SPEECH . . .
When it begins with
“Webster’s defines . . .” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village; Mike
Gips, Bethesda)
When the speaker’s first
slide is titled “Background, Part 1 of 12: My Decision to Use PowerPoint.” (David
Genser)
When the sign language
interpreter starts leading the audience in “YMCA.” (Rick Haynes)
When the speaker reads aloud,
“Pause briefly here and look into the audience with a sympathetic smile; nod
vigorously; then continue with third bulleted item.” (John Shea, Philadelphia)
When the teleprompter won’t
even look the candidate in the eye. (Amanda Yanovitch)
When the man delivering it is
four feet tall and reading from a scroll and there are two legs sticking out of
the farmhouse next to you. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
When it’s Nuremberg, and it’s
1938. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg)
Some more honorable mentions
next week, including “You know it’s going to be a bad marriage
. . .”
Next week: Fearful Symmetry, or Droller Coasters